I'd Rather Feel Pain, Than Nothing At All
by Shurikenx
Summary: SasuNaru. Angst, Violence. Naruto finds that by driving his body to breaking poin, he may be able to erase certain memories from his mind. But, can he erase them from his heart? Maybe Sasuke can help save him... from himself.


**A/N:: **

I wrote this story to fit with the lyrics of the song 'Pain' by Three Days Grace - The lyrics are truly inspriring, and heck, the song is great too. (If you haven't heard it - do a quick search on Youtube --smiles--) This is using the pairing of Sasuke and Naruto - and both are about 16 - 17 years old. It's quite angsty, lots of blood - lots of tears, and I hope - a good story.

(There is yaoi in this story - if you don't like it, don't read it.)

Please reveiw - and leave any comments/suggestions. (Note: There is no sequel planned for this story - but If people really want me to, I can write a another chapter --grins--)

**- I'd Rather Feel Pain, Than Nothing At All -**

I collapse onto the cold ground, blood trickling from the fresh wounds that lay engraved across my knuckles – but I ignore it.

I ignore the searing pain that screamed through my body, the feeling of my muscles literally tearing from my limbs – but once again, I ignore it.

I breathed in heavily, forcing my unwilling body up from the damp ground, pressing my hands to my knees as I staggered forward. I wasn't finished yet – I had hardly begun my training – my punishment. My punishment for being a failure – for being weak.

I would have been screaming in pain, as my fists flew into the training post – but my mind was stronger than my body. I had learnt over the years to embrace the pain, welcome it with open arms – endure it, live with it. Pain seemed to have become me; I knew the emotion like I knew myself. Not that I enjoyed having to cope with the cursed feeling – it made my life hell, and yet – it made my living easier. Pain could tear my mind away from the horrible reality – it could make me stronger, tougher - and it could make me forget.

--------------

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, I can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all._

_--------------_

I ignored the tears that streamed from my eyes, as I crashed fist after fist into the post, my crimson blood staining the wood as my vision began to haze slightly. It was because of me – my useless efforts, that he had left us. I could've stopped him, I should've stopped him – but even now, I know that I never could.

Once again, my legs gave way – and I tumbled to the floor helplessly – allowing my limbs the pleasure of relaxing. My breath hitched as blood caught in my throat, causing me to keel forwards – spitting the scarlet liquid from my lips.

I could never have stopped him.

He was always stronger – always one step ahead….but even now, lying here on the ground – I'd like to believe that one day, one day I could bring him back...

I sigh, raising my hands from the dirt beneath me as I stare intently at my palms. I gaze at the littering of bruises and cuts that covered my skin. If I tried hard, maybe I could see my pain, etched into the flesh from years of suffering….But, all I could see through my tear-filled eyes was the bleeding evidence of a failure. I clenched my fists tightly, wincing as my nails dug into the soft palms.

Angrily, I stood up – kicking at the training post with the little strength I had left.

I wouldn't give in – I wouldn't remain a failure, I repeated to myself over and over as I relentlessly attacked, turning a blind eye to the tears, the blood and the pain. I was so focused on my punches and kicks, that I didn't realise the strong hand holding my fist tightly, preventing me from my attacks. My eyes struggled to focus on the person who was intruding on my training – I couldn't stop now, I had to become stronger –

'Get. Off. Me –' I struggled to speak, my lungs heaving – more blood falling from my mouth, warm and sweet on my cracked lips. The figure seemed to sigh, out of annoyance or anger I couldn't really tell – and I didn't care. Furiously I threw a limp fist at the intruder, only to find myself topple forwards with exhaustion.

I was falling, falling – bracing myself for the impact that never came. I looked around in confusion, feeling strong hands on back, supporting my body from crashing into the hard floor – an embrace that seemed strangely familiar.

-----------------

_You're sick, of feeling down _

_You're not the only one_

_I'll take you, by the hand,_

_And sure you a world that you can understand._

_------------------_

'Dobe, why are you pushing yourself like this?'

I frowned slightly, the voice was soft and gentle, and only one person had referred to me by that annoying nickname, the person who was only a memory.

'You're not him, you're not him –'

I murmured in confusion and frustration. That person lived in my mind, in distant memories – he wasn't real, not to me…. My head spun, and I closed my eyes tightly – determined to escape back to my alternate reality – where we were all together, all of us – happy, smiling –

'Naruto, stay with me, just this once.'

Unwillingly, my eyes flickered open, stepping out of my trance and back to the real world. I stared at the face above me, dark eyes, raven hair – I raised a hand to the porcelain skin. This couldn't be him, I was imagining things, I had to be….but the feeling of warm skin against my fingertips erased any doubts from my mind.

-------------

_This life is filled with hurt,_

_When happiness, doesn't work_

_Trust me – and take my hand,_

_When the lights go out you'll understand._

_---------------_

'Remember me Dobe?'

I could feel the smile, warm and understanding. I brushed my fingers gently across the pale lips, tracing their outline with my forefinger. '

Why did you come back?'

There was a short silence, as though the figure was carefully planning how to explain the situation.

'Let's just say, that I made a mistake.'

My body was lowered slowly to the ground, one hand remaining on my back, supporting my body in a sitting position.

'But…why? Why come back now?'

The person shifted slightly, his hands ever present on my body, a comforting reassurance that this wasn't a dream. I knew there was a reason for his return – and I knew that it would have to wait.

'How long has it been Dobe?'

He questioned, never leaving my gaze – not allowing me to sink back to the comforts of my memories.

'Four years…'

I reply. I had counted the days, the weeks, the months – always hopeful that he would come back, driving myself forward to an invisible goal, angry at my weakness. I couldn't think of a better remedy for my despair than agonising pain – watching my blood fall from my self-made wounds daily, reminding myself of the strength I still had to obtain, and the pain became one with me.

---------------

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, I can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all._

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, I can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all._

_------------------_

I whimpered as blood trickled from the corners of my mouth, flowing across my grazed skin. His hands released my body and moved to my face, wiping scarlet away from my lips before leaning forward, pressing his lips gently onto my own.

It had been four years of pain, agony, self mutilation and guilt – had it really been that long since I had felt you against me? How could I forget this touch? I raise my battered arms and encircle them around your shoulders – feeling your soft hair between my fingertips, and wanting to feel your warmth around me.

Your lips leave mine, and once again the cold night air embraces me. I bury my face into your neck, tears falling swiftly from my eyes, lightly dripping onto your clothing. Your arms around me, your fingers stroking my cheek – and I'm reminded of the good times we spent together – the laughter, the smiles…

'Don't ever leave me…'

I whisper against your skin, my voice muffled slightly as the wind blows through your hair.

'I won't – never again.'

You reply, and you hold me tighter to your body. Years of hurting myself physically and mentally had strengthened me – but no amount of strength and pain could prepare me for your return.

-------------

_Anger and agony_

_Are better, than misery_

_Trust me – I've got a plan,_

_When the lights go out you'll understand._

_-------------_

Your lips brush along my neck, kissing my skin gently, caressing my bruised flesh. I sit, holding your body close to mine – enjoying the feeling of finally being touched by someone, after all these years.

'Why do you do this to yourself Naruto?'

You question me, pulling out of the embrace and studying the littering of wounds that lay engraved on my skin. I wince as you push a hand to them, never leaving my eyes, not diverting your gaze.

'Because…'

I begin, tears ebbing at my eyelids.

'– pain helps, helps me to forget you – makes me stronger…'

I can feel my mind slipping away, slipping back to my alternate reality, but I don't fight it. My fingers reach for the kunai in my pocket. I'm not aware of my actions; I'm in a better place now – sun shining, people laughing with me, not at me. My fingers grasp the cool handle of the weapon as I withdraw it from my clothing.

Who am I?

I'm no-one, I don't live my own life – I don't have a life, nothing is real – it's all a fantasy, a vision made up to satisfy my despair and loneliness…

I raise the blade to my throat, my eyes open, but not seeing.

It's much better here – better in my dreams….I'd stay forever if I could, I will stay – I'll remain happy here…

My mind is torn from the trance as something warm hits my neck, running down my bare flesh. My eyes widen in horror as my gaze rests on your hand, wrapped tightly around the sharp blade – separating the metal from my own skin.

I look up at your dark eyes, expecting to see anger, pain, even regret flicker behind them – but I see nothing. You uncurl your fingers, allowing the blade to remove itself from your palm, falling to the ground with soft thud. I watch as blood seeps from between your fingers, I watch your pain,

- I can see your pain.

'Agony _can_ be a good thing Naruto; you can use it to your advantage and when used correctly, it can make you stronger.'

I watch you lower your bleeding fist, letting it fall to your side.

'But pain can cause your mind great stress…'

Your voice lowers to a whisper as you lightly touch my temples.

'You can't use pain to erase memories. Memories are special – they can never be forgotten, not the good ones. Good memories do not live in your mind, they live here –'

You lightly press a hand to my chest.

'– In your heart. No amount of pain can ever make you forget them. If you try – it will corrupt you.'

I close my eyes as your lips meet mine, and I allow your hands to trail through my hair gently. I understand your words, and yet – I wonder, if you have been enduring a similar pain in your absence?

---------------

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, I can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all._

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, I can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing,_

_I'd rather feel pain._

_------------------_

Maybe, just maybe – I can live without agony. Your breath tickles my neck, warm and soft like the faintest summer breeze. Your dark eyelashes brush against my cheek – fluttering slightly as your lips trail across my neck, sucking gently at my flesh. Maybe, just maybe – I can learn to forget the pain -

- instead of forgetting you.

---------------

_I know (I know I know I know I know)__  
That you're wounded,  
You know (You know you know you know)  
That I'm here to save you,  
You know (You know you know you know)  
I'm always here for you,  
I know (I know I know I know)  
That you'll thank me later._

_----------------_

'So Dobe – I think we'd better get you home.'

You smile at me as you lift my fragile body from the ground, holding me firmly against your chest. I nod in agreement.

Home….

I'd been returning to my house for four years – and in that time I had never once called it my home. But now, with you by my side – I think I can finally return….

Home.

'Thank you….Sasuke.'

The name sounded strange on my tongue, a name that I had refused to say over the last four years – a name that belonged in my memory…

'Sasuke…'

I whispered to myself, yes….I think I can finally remember….

- - - - - - - - - - -

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, I can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all._

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, I can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all._

_Rather feel pain,_

_Rather feel pain._

- - - END - - -

A/N:: Please reveiw! --huggles--

Lots of love, Shurikenx

xXx


End file.
